Finding a Will (Month Five)

Why must she look so big?!

Mercedes,

When we met I fell for you instantly. A mother's love is the true definition of love at first sight. And though my heart expanded for you and because of you, that day is the day I loved you least. With each passing day we discover each other. When your tiny hands grasp at my face, tracing my cheeks and pulling at my lips, I know your letting me know you love me too.

These last few months you have been my constant companion. I can't imagine it another way, but sometimes, just for a moment, I feel suffocated. In fact, I screamed at you for the first time this month, out of frustration. It became apparent immediately you knew something was wrong. You stopped screaming, too, and let me fix your problem. For the record, kid, I don't like having boogers up my nose either.

When you were newly born I reminded myself constantly that you were a full-grown soul in a tiny body. You're allowed to have your very own unique personality and preferences, even as small as you are. And when I screamed at you, I remembered again: You are your own person. It's become apparent you're discovering that, too, as you express emotions both positive and negative. You've increasingly shown glimmers of your own will this last month as you've shown preferences and become more and more emotive. 

Having your own will and ability to act it out is a gift from God. Because He loves us He allows us to make our own decisions. You've already started to use your will to share joy. Before this month, you saved your smiles for me and Dad. We felt like we were lying to people when we told them you "grinned all day" and you'd just return cold stares to strangers. While we were in California for Christmas things changed. You charmed Nana and Papa and had your three uncles wrapped around your tiny fingers. You were happy to share your happy disposition with others and they could feel your joy and peace in turn. Tio Austin even commented that you were most definitely a Moore: always happy and chill like your great-grandma Joyzella (you're welcome for not naming you that!) I hope through your life you'll continue to choose to use your will to be selfless, kind and loving to those around you.

The bond I feel for you is one I've never experienced before, the type that penetrates to the very bone and becomes impossible to separate out from any other thought, feeling or action. And the revelation of your will reminds me to whom you really belong, and reminds me that you existed before this world and will exist after. You are forever. And as my bones ache with love for you, I am certain God's do, too.

Always,
Mama