Always (Three Months)

1/2/19

Gwendolyn,

You still feel like a dream. Like the sweetest imagining I’ve ever had. Too sweet and too good to even fathom being reality. But here you are. And your smiles melt me, and your tears break me. At this point in your little life, I can hardly identify when our two identities start and stop. We merge in to each other. A fluid round of touch and nursing. And I freely admit you give me as much comfort as I give you. I am grateful for the reprieve of cuddling, of nursing, of talking, of smiling...it keeps my heart calm.

In the fog of postpartum recovery, coping with the tragedy that was the Camp Fire and holiday hustle, I find my emotions to be a mix of one extreme to the other. I am humbled, grateful, exhausted, heartbroken, weary, and joyful. But you are undeniably the sunshine in my life.

Your dad gave you your baby blessing in my parent’s home on Christmas Eve. You were blessed in the same gown that your grandmother, myself, and Mercedes were all blessed in. In your blessing, you were blessed to be healthy, that you might grow to learn of and love our Savior Jesus Christ, and that you would become a servant to others, blessing them with kindness and joy. You were blessed that “you will be a light and a guide to this family.” And you undoubtedly already are.

My beautiful sunshine baby, you have always been. Your spirit existed before mortality. And you will continue on after this life. Heavenly Father knows you and loves you and is intimately aware of your strengths, weaknesses and talents. God loves you and wants you to continue to feel joy the rest of your life. You are, that you might have joy, just like in 2 Nephi 2:25. We wanted you here with us earth side, and we are so grateful to get to experience this life with you, hand-in-hand. You belong to us, and we belong to you, and so it will be for eternity. We are eternally bound, you and I, and we are eternally linked to our ancestors before us and our posterity yet to come. I loved you before I even knew you, before our first embrace, and I will undoubtedly love you through eternity. No conditions. 

I love you.

Always,

Mama