In the Doldrums (Seven Months)

5/2/19

This month has been hard for me. Some days I feel like I’ll never find balance again. The first few months of a new baby, it’s easier to have patience and think, “This is new” or “This is just for now.” But now that we’re in to the second half of your first year I’m feeling impatient. I’m feeling like I should have this figured out by now and I should have a routine. But I don’t. Every day feels like survival mode, and I feel I’ll never have balance again of having time for sleep or exercise or drawing or writing or anything ever again. It sounds dramatic, but if you ever have your own babies you’ll know what I mean. Even using the bathroom by myself these days feels like a luxury, and most days it feels like my circumstances will never, ever change. 

I’m just very much in the thick of it still. Sometimes that’s hard to accept when so much of my life the last year or so has been survival. But all I can do is the present. And here I am. Life gets a little bit easier here or there, and before I know it we’ll be on to the next chapter of life. At least you will entertain yourself for a little longer now. Though, you’re currently teething and comfort nursing more than usual. 

You are still so picky about sleeping. Be it napping or night time, in a perfect Gwen-world you’d never leave my slide and would be able to nurse off and on. Great for you, but leaves me touched-out and sleep deprived. 

All this on top of trying to parent Mercedes, who is as busy and independent as ever as a 4-year-old. I struggle with follow through on discipline. And sometimes I find that discipline is harder on the parents than the kids. I don’t want to have to set boundaries, but I know the alternative of letting my kids go wild is way worse. 

The fun of this last month has been watching you explore your environment more. You’re beginning to experiment with wiggling and early crawling. You are enjoying exploring foods and feeding yourself. And you’ve discovered Mercedes is a fun play companion, and you laugh at her more than anybody else. 

What’s the moral this time? I don’t know. I guess it’s that sometimes we just have to endure stretches of life and that’s okay. Not every day or moment or stage is going to be magical. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth living. Or that I love you any less!

I love you, Gwen,

Always,

Mama