Saturday, October 16, 2010

David -- Simplicity, part 2

I laid next to Nathaniel in bed one night. He listened as I cried. He asked if I was stressed...did I feel anxious again? Was I unhappy?

I shook my head. And I cried some more. It wasn't quite that.

I was scared. Again.

Air caught in my throat, my voice choking as I told Nathaniel how nervous I was to have an anxiety attack again. The semester was starting -- that meant stress, which for me, translated directly into anxiety. Anxiety that was paralyzing.



I wept. He listened.

And he told me to embrace it. To just accept it for what it was -- my Goliath that I would have to face. Even though I would more than likely have to face my Goliath over and over again, I could do it, he reminded me...I could find a way. I wasn't alone.

I wasn't alone.

****

My life is busy. Not unusually busy, just busy. Some days it feels entirely unnecessary. Other days it simply feels overwhelming. Those are the days all I can do is pray -- to simply get me through the next minute, let alone the next five.

Those are the days I breathe. I breathe deep.

And those are the days, I try the hardest to look for gratitude. I try, as hard as I can, to find joy in this sometimes difficulty journey.

I keep breathing. I keep relishing in the air that fills my lungs -- void of panic or distress. I breathe.

****

"Above all else, may we ever remember that we do not go forth alone to battle the Goliaths of our lives. As David declared to Israel, so might we echo the knowledge, 'The battle is the Lord's, and he will give [Goliath] into our hands.'" -President Thomas S. Monson

****

There was a moment I came to the realization my anxiety would probably never go away. I don't remember exactly when it was, but I do remember how I felt. I remember a very distinct feeling of peace. An understanding that it was okay -- that if I did everything the Lord wanted me to do, He would bless me. And maybe Heavenly Father wouldn't bless me right away, but I took a lot of comfort in the fact that my anxiety would never extend past this mortal life.

Then I thought, how silly it was I ever feared in the first place. My David was so much greater than my Goliath.

I realized I had a Savior -- a David who was so much stronger than my anxiety.
My fears were squelched. My faith bolstered.

****

I have found myself so often writing lists of to-do's and wish-I-could-do's. Of should-have-done's and if-I-have-time lists. Even when my life is falling apart, I can never seem to cut out the excess...I still have a list a mile long.

"The wise...They resist the temptation to get caught up in the frantic rush of everyday life. They follow the advice, 'There is more to life than increasing its speed.' In short, they focus on the things that matter most...

"The search for the best things inevitably leads to the foundational principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ -- the simple and beautiful truths revealed to us by a caring, eternal, and all-knowing Father in Heaven. These core doctrines and principles, though simple enough for a child to understand, provide the answers to the most complex questions of life." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Now what?

Always,

3 comments:

Allison said...

Love it. Love you. Love that I will see you on Saturday :)

Shermeen said...

There is such a truth and sentiment in your words that really spoke to me. Its so true that during the everyday craziness in life, we forget that we're not alone. One of my favourite poems, this particular verse really speaks to me:

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

Hopefully I can try and remember this in my day to day life, I think these would be times that I'm being carried. I hope that you continue to have the strength to battle your anxieties.

Hannah said...

Thanks Allison and Shermeen!

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