Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Goliath -- Simplicity, part 1

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Leonardo da Vinci


I gasped for air as tears rolled down my cheeks. I shook. My world was spinning. I laid curled up next to Nathaniel feeling hopelessly and painfully alone, void of the Spirit or any sensation of peace. I felt terror as a mental illness closed it's grip around my neck.

Anxiety attack -- again. One of what felt like thousands. A plague, that I felt would never leave my life.

Nathaniel grabbed me, flipping me up between his legs and placed his hands on my head. He quietly gave me a priesthood blessing. A sweet surrender of peace flooded my soul. My gasping stopped and air returned to my lungs. Tears flowed as my body and mind mercifully fell into the redeeming love of the Savior.

I felt peace. I felt comfort and serenity. Emotions that just moments before had been so far removed from my mind flooded me entirely.


When my anxiety flares I feel like it takes on the identify of Goliath of Gath -- a giant, a horror to behold that leaves me trembling and fearful. I dread the moments when anxiety rears it's ugly head, when my mind races, my heart sprints along trying to keep up, and my breath quickens pace.

How absolutely impossible it feels to ever recover from those moments.


I sat in sacrament meeting with tears filling my eyes. My hands shook. Nathaniel firmly held one hand, but as the trembling continued, he grabbed the other.

I took a deep breath. And then I tried going for another one. Useless.

I walked into the foyer to try and catch my breath. And of course, it didn't work.

I quickly walked back into the chapel, sat next to Nathaniel and asked for a blessing. He quickly nodded yes, placing his hand on my back as he followed me outside.

As I stepped outside into the cool air, I lost it. Adrenaline shot through my body. My limbs shook. My breath quickened. My heart pounding. But my mind...didn't race.

I didn't fear. I remembered.


How could I possibly defeat Goliath?

"There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions." -Elder Uchtdorf


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