A Redefinition (Month Two)

 

My beautiful two-month old

Mercedes,

The whirlwind of your new life has slowed down a bit now that we've wrapped up two months with you, and we're starting to settle into a routine. It's been such a brief amount of time, and yet both myself and your dad feel as if you've been ours forever. We fell in love with you instantly, but the more time passes, the more charmed we become. You've slowly started to smile more and more, and now you spend a large part of your day grinning at me. Without fail, it stops me in my tracks every time. Your smiles take my breath away. Perhaps my favorite thing is when you insist on stopping mid-feed to look at me, smile and coo. We'll hold a conversation like that as long as I'll let you.

As month two of your life began, I slowly started to crawl out of the blurry, sleepy, recovery haze of life with a newborn. It was totally uncharted territory and I found myself struggling with discovering how to redefine myself. You changed me. In the most beautiful of ways. But that didn't leave me without growing pains. For much of my life I have defined myself by accomplishments, measuring my self-esteem by tasks completed and items crossed off of a to-do list. With a baby, that all goes out the window. Despite waking up in the morning with a laundry list of things I'd like to accomplish, on some days, you just needed me. I found myself constantly reminding myself that loving you all day is a day well spent. I have learned how to redefine myself by who I am — a woman who joyfully, selflessly serves — instead of by what I can do. And mercifully, on the days I felt most confused by my new identity and the most worn out, loving you has filled my heart to the point that every discomfort was meaningless, every confusion irrelevant. 

On most days now when I look in the mirror I see a soft, pudgy body, littered with crimson stretch marks and acne. My hips are wider now and my breasts have ballooned to an unrecognizable size. None of my clothes fit. And as petty as it is, sometimes these physical transformations are totally overwhelming. But they also give me pause to reflect on the many sacrifices I'm making for you. The conclusion, every time, is it's totally worth it. I'm starting to understand more, little by little, why the Savior would so willingly suffer and die for us. He loved us — just as I love you — and it's as simple as that. No sacrifice is too great for someone you love. My physical transformation reminds me of that, and encourages me to continue to follow the Savior's perfect example of charity as I mother you.

When you met many of our friends and family this month at your blessing, I couldn't help but feel my heart swell in thanksgiving. They love you, just as I love you, and you are a blessing to all of us. And some day, you will feel the blessings they have to provide for you, too! It is wonderful to know we'll all be together forever!

I find myself in constant prayer for the both of us and for your dad. I, of course, pray for our safety and our improvement. But, more often than not, it's an outpouring of gratitude. I have never before felt such joy and gratitude than now, being your mother. I love you, my beautiful girl, and I can't wait for the rest of eternity with you!

Always,

Mama

P.S.
Bonus picture, because I can't get enough of this girl!