Me Without You (One Month)

11/2/18

Gwendolyn,

It’s been a month with you now. And somehow, I can’t remember me existing without you. It feels as if my identity has shifted to define itself in a way that includes you so completely that the idea of you not being a part of me before now seems foreign. I think of birthing you and it somehow feels like an old memory...like an experience that has long defined me despite only being a month ago. I think of mothering you and I have that same feeling: Loving you has somehow always defined me. You fit into my identity. You fit into my forever. You fit into my eternities — a part of my yesterday and tomorrow, and inseparable from my own perception and definition of joy. You’re a part of my forever and make our family feel whole. It feels as if you’ve always been a part of the plan and I thank God that He has included you in my story. 

Sweet but Tenacious (3 years)

Mercy,

Oh, my love. Three years have come and gone. You make every passing day magical. You have a mischievous sparkle in your eye and a zest for life. You are curious, witty, creative, tenacious, thoughtful and attentive. I am constantly in awe or laughing over something you have done, said or discovered. I could fill up an entire book of funny and cute stories.

The beginning of the end (2 years)

My sweet girl on her 2nd birthday

Mercy,

You are two now. And as stated so concisely in "Peter Pan":

"Two is the beginning of the end."

On identity and relationships (18 months)

My 18-month-old exploring the University of Oklahoma campus.

Mercy,

It's difficult for me to summarize my feelings on the last six months. Not because you haven't made marked growth, but because when I think of you, I feel like you and I — as we know us now — has always been. It almost seems implausible to imagine my identity as one that isn't fluid with my small child, ebbing and flowing from one to two as only a mother and infant can. Between pregnancy and breastfeeding for 14 months, I shared my body with you for nearly two years. Though we have always been two separate beings, for much of your life up until this point I have lived and done so much for you — producing food for you, changing you, helping you sleep and regulate your emotions, etc. It's an experience that has humbled me, better taught me the meaning of charity, and given me a small glimpse into how and why the Savior would so willingly sacrifice himself for all of us. Divine love — charitable love, Christ-like love — inspires undeviating selflessness and sacrifice. What a gift, what a joy it has been to feel that love for you.

Adventure is Out There (12 months)

My gorgeous 1-year-old.

Mercy,

Happy birthday, Mercedes! This year has come and gone in a flash, and it will always stand out in my memory as a defining year in both of our lives. This last year I grew into the role of "mother" and you flourished from a dependent, squishy newborn in to a vivacious, tenacious toddler. Watching your personality emerge has been a joy, and I suspect it will continue to be a treat for years to come.

All of You (Month Eleven)

We celebrated 11-months on the beach!

Mercy,

The worst part about your birthday approaching is every day I think I'm doing my best to soak up every precious, simple moment — but when I lay my head to rest at night I still find myself wistfully thinking about the hours with you that just slipped through my fingers. I can't tell you how often I pour my heart out in grateful prayer for you. You are my sunshine. You bring me every joy. I have always wanted to be a mom, but becoming your mom has lived up to every expectation I ever had for motherhood.

Dada, Papi, Dad (Month Ten)

Taking pictures of this little mover sitting still has become nearly impossible. But she's still as cute as ever.

Mercy,

The first few months of your life you were undoubtedly a mama's girl. I'm still your go-to for comfort, but the last few months you have developed a fun bond with your dad. Every evening when we hear the front door open, your face lights up when you see dad's smiling face pop through. You immediately abandon whatever it is you're doing to chase him down the hallway.

Discipline and Laughter (Month Nine)

My beautiful 9-month-old

Mercedes,

Some time in this last month you were being naughty. Nearly impossible to believe, I know. But I made the grouchiest face I could summon and I scolded you. It didn't work very well. Much to my surprise, you laughed at me. And, a few days later, much to your delight, I scolded you again.

Beautiful Baby (Month Eight)

My beautiful 8-month-old smiling at Nana

Mercy,

You are a beautiful baby. It's a biased opinion that I have no shame admitting. Others often comment on your beautiful eyes. They are large, expressive and a steely shade of blue. Not to mention the long lashes you inherited from your dad. I admit I've taken dozens of photos of your lashes while you sleep. I'm not alone in my opinion. Strangers often gush over you, too. And, the flirt that you are, you smile and promptly — bashfully — burry your face into my shoulder.

Knowledge (Month Seven)

My happy, curious 7-month-old

Mercedes,

Forgive the cliche, but this month you've decided the world is your oyster. You started the month trying to master sitting up. Wobbly sitting soon led to rocking on your knees. Next, you unexpectedly started backing up. A few weeks later you started to inch forward in what is the hallmark "crawl." Nana would endearingly say you're a "perfectly normal baby." We love perfectly normal babies around here.

Worth the Sacrifice (Month Six)

Six-month-old Mercedes

Mercedes,

There is a poem I stumbled upon some time in the past, credited to an Anne Campbell, that explains well what it's like to be a mother:

Finding a Will (Month Five)

Why must she look so big?!

Mercedes,

When we met I fell for you instantly. A mother's love is the true definition of love at first sight. And though my heart expanded for you and because of you, that day is the day I loved you least. With each passing day we discover each other. When your tiny hands grasp at my face, tracing my cheeks and pulling at my lips, I know your letting me know you love me too.

California Trip, Week 1

We were lucky enough to spend two weeks in California for Christmas. We had a wonderful time introducing Mercedes to friends and family! Enjoy the picture overload!

Mercedes' first flight! She hardly fussed on our way to California, save for when it was 2 a.m. our time and we were trying to get her to sleep. Thankfully, she did take a nap in the airport during the layover. 

A Redefinition (Month Two)

 

My beautiful two-month old

Dream Girl (Month One)

My one-month old

Mercedes,

You started as a dream. A hope that grew inside me for months and years. It wasn't a dream that came without great anxiety. I longed for you in a way my heart has never ached for anything. And there was a large part of me that was terrified I'd never meet you.